Parents, I am a real one...
Well, it has been awhile and please don't think that I have had nothing to say. I just haven't had a lot of time to say, (or in this case), blog it. Now I know that I usually come with some satirical bit of wisdom or observation, but not today.
Something has been heavy on my heart and I figured that this was the perfect place to bring it up.
Parenthood.
As most of you know, I am married and have a daughter. Now pay attention here, My daughter is my wife's biological child and my child by marriage. I met my daughter when she was 17 months and am the only father she has ever known. The biological donor has never seen her, nor has he made any attempts, to my knowledge, to be part of her life, (sometimes I am sad for him and for what he is missing). Make no mistake though, she is my daughter and I am her father. My wife and I are currently trying to have another child. Because of the time we have been trying and the obvious lack of conception we are currently considered by the medical profession technically infertile. By definition this means that we have been actively trying with no results for 24 months or more.
Recently, my wife and I were hanging out with friends, as tends to happen on a pretty regular basis. During the course of the evening, I made a comment in regards to a particular parenting style and one of my good friends looked at me and said, "Well, when you become a real dad, you will understand."
Now, I can't even tell you what that did to my person. Never in my life have I had to immediately restrain myself from coming absolutely unglued. Even though I remained silent, for there is really nothing to say to a comment of that nature, I wanted, with every fiber of my being to unleash every ounce of fury and pain that I could muster on my friend who had made this comment. Fortunately, I am better now. I understand that he did not utter those words in order to crush me the way that it did. He did not intend to cause me pain or to discredit my effort as a father. He made a comment that he shouldn't have. He has since apologized.
Even though him and I are fine, I think it is important that people understand something.
In my family of 6 siblings, 3 of us are adoptive parents. So it is possible that this topic hits a little close to home. But I think that people need to be educated and if I do nothing about it, then I am simply part of the problem. I prefer to be an instigator of educated thought and communication than a wart on the hind end of our culture. So class is in session...
Adoptive parents, like myself, are a little different. I feel that I need to make something very clear. They choose to be parents. They do not choose because they are missing something, they choose because they have too much of something. My two sisters who have adoptive families, had too much love. They had so much love for their spouses that there was not enough space in one person to contain it all. There needed to be a receptacle for all that was offered. In the same light, the children had too much life for their current situation. They needed a place where they could be who they were meant to be and to grow and explore and affect the lives of so many other people. With my daughter, I first fell in love with my wife and I had a choice. If I was going to continue to love her there was more than just her. There was this little baby girl. Now I could say that she would be fine and that I would be fine if I opted out of the relationship, but that wouldn't be true. I look at my nieces and nephews who are adopted and it is clear that they were made to be in our family. They were not chanced into our family they were designed for it. The same way that our family was designed for their arrival. Abby and I are the same way. I would not be complete without her and she would not be complete without me.
It is important for people to know that eggs, sperm and DNA do not make one a father or a mother. Here are my poetic thoughts on the subject...
I didn't give you eyes
But I will teach you how to see
I didn't make your ears
But I will teach you how to listen
I didn't make your mouth
But I will teach you how to sing
I didn't make your heart
But I will show you how to love
Together we'll teach each other
and it will always be enough
So, what is the moral? I am a real dad. It's simple, it's true and it will never change.
Do you feel smarter?
Something has been heavy on my heart and I figured that this was the perfect place to bring it up.
Parenthood.
As most of you know, I am married and have a daughter. Now pay attention here, My daughter is my wife's biological child and my child by marriage. I met my daughter when she was 17 months and am the only father she has ever known. The biological donor has never seen her, nor has he made any attempts, to my knowledge, to be part of her life, (sometimes I am sad for him and for what he is missing). Make no mistake though, she is my daughter and I am her father. My wife and I are currently trying to have another child. Because of the time we have been trying and the obvious lack of conception we are currently considered by the medical profession technically infertile. By definition this means that we have been actively trying with no results for 24 months or more.
Recently, my wife and I were hanging out with friends, as tends to happen on a pretty regular basis. During the course of the evening, I made a comment in regards to a particular parenting style and one of my good friends looked at me and said, "Well, when you become a real dad, you will understand."
Now, I can't even tell you what that did to my person. Never in my life have I had to immediately restrain myself from coming absolutely unglued. Even though I remained silent, for there is really nothing to say to a comment of that nature, I wanted, with every fiber of my being to unleash every ounce of fury and pain that I could muster on my friend who had made this comment. Fortunately, I am better now. I understand that he did not utter those words in order to crush me the way that it did. He did not intend to cause me pain or to discredit my effort as a father. He made a comment that he shouldn't have. He has since apologized.
Even though him and I are fine, I think it is important that people understand something.
In my family of 6 siblings, 3 of us are adoptive parents. So it is possible that this topic hits a little close to home. But I think that people need to be educated and if I do nothing about it, then I am simply part of the problem. I prefer to be an instigator of educated thought and communication than a wart on the hind end of our culture. So class is in session...
Adoptive parents, like myself, are a little different. I feel that I need to make something very clear. They choose to be parents. They do not choose because they are missing something, they choose because they have too much of something. My two sisters who have adoptive families, had too much love. They had so much love for their spouses that there was not enough space in one person to contain it all. There needed to be a receptacle for all that was offered. In the same light, the children had too much life for their current situation. They needed a place where they could be who they were meant to be and to grow and explore and affect the lives of so many other people. With my daughter, I first fell in love with my wife and I had a choice. If I was going to continue to love her there was more than just her. There was this little baby girl. Now I could say that she would be fine and that I would be fine if I opted out of the relationship, but that wouldn't be true. I look at my nieces and nephews who are adopted and it is clear that they were made to be in our family. They were not chanced into our family they were designed for it. The same way that our family was designed for their arrival. Abby and I are the same way. I would not be complete without her and she would not be complete without me.
It is important for people to know that eggs, sperm and DNA do not make one a father or a mother. Here are my poetic thoughts on the subject...
I didn't give you eyes
But I will teach you how to see
I didn't make your ears
But I will teach you how to listen
I didn't make your mouth
But I will teach you how to sing
I didn't make your heart
But I will show you how to love
Together we'll teach each other
and it will always be enough
So, what is the moral? I am a real dad. It's simple, it's true and it will never change.
Do you feel smarter?
posted by Hurricane at 11:08 AM
2 Comments:
thank you and AMEN!
That is beautiful. My Hubby is my middle son's step-dad, a word we don't even like, and he's been around since Sam was 3. We married when Sam was 7, and although his biological dad is occassionally in the picture, Sam KNOWS who his dad is. Thanks for the poem.
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